This is a little blog I posted elsewhere back in May 2009. I thought it was kind of funny. Some things have changed since then, but some things have not...
"Angst: an acute but unspecific feeling of anxiety; usually reserved for philosophical anxiety about the world or about personal freedom." OMG yes! This word perfectly describes me in my current state. Add crabby, bitchy, and impatient and you would find my picture next to that definition in the dictionary.
I have personal goals. I really do, no matter how silly I may seem at any given time. I mean look at my life, I'm over 30, going through a SECOND divorce, and I had to come stay with my parents. What kind of life is this? I have my kid to think of though, so here I'll stay until I have a stable place to live on my own with her. But at the moment the big issues combined with some of the other smaller ones are DRIVING ME NUTS and making me feel ANGST. Angst angst angst...maybe if I repeat it enough it will not seem so bad anymore. Or, maybe if I say it too many times some little troll will appear and poke me with a sharp stick.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Maybe I've hit a wall
Something has to change. Something has to happen. The last couple of weeks I have felt increasingly restless with things in general. The top thing on the list is my home life. I am very very unhappy with this situation and it has nothing to do with my parents specifically, who are nice people by the way, but I am a grown up and as I believe I have mentioned before, I do no feel like one when I'm here. And since I live here that's a huge problem.
The second thing on my list of major life issues is my job. I am at the point where I'm seriously considering looking for a different job. I know that may sound silly in these economic times, but I am very tired of the BS that goes on there. I don't mean the BS with other employees, and the drama that goes on at the workplace, that is to be expected anywhere as far as I'm concerned and I can deal with that. I mean they can't decide what to do with me. My hours seem to vary almost weekly. They want me to have responsibilities, but they don't give me any benefits that go along with that. I could put up with most of the crap anyway if I was working consistant full time hours so I would be sure I could afford to move out and not struggle. I mean, if I move out and then I suddenly drop down to 25 hours a week or something I will not be in a good position. I just feel stuck. I feel like I've hit a wall. Nothing seems to be moving forward and it's driving me nuts. So I have to make some things happen for myself, I guess, and quit complaining about it.
There are many other smaller issues I have after the first and second ones I just described. Probably the largest of these is my personal life. I very nearly don't have one and I have decided I need to find ways of getting out and meeting more people. But not just any people, I really want to meet people I have things in common with. I like very few people that I meet, so maybe if I meet people that I know ahead of time share some of my interests, we'll hit it off. Who knows, right? I can't keep sitting around lonely and bored waiting for things to happen.
The second thing on my list of major life issues is my job. I am at the point where I'm seriously considering looking for a different job. I know that may sound silly in these economic times, but I am very tired of the BS that goes on there. I don't mean the BS with other employees, and the drama that goes on at the workplace, that is to be expected anywhere as far as I'm concerned and I can deal with that. I mean they can't decide what to do with me. My hours seem to vary almost weekly. They want me to have responsibilities, but they don't give me any benefits that go along with that. I could put up with most of the crap anyway if I was working consistant full time hours so I would be sure I could afford to move out and not struggle. I mean, if I move out and then I suddenly drop down to 25 hours a week or something I will not be in a good position. I just feel stuck. I feel like I've hit a wall. Nothing seems to be moving forward and it's driving me nuts. So I have to make some things happen for myself, I guess, and quit complaining about it.
There are many other smaller issues I have after the first and second ones I just described. Probably the largest of these is my personal life. I very nearly don't have one and I have decided I need to find ways of getting out and meeting more people. But not just any people, I really want to meet people I have things in common with. I like very few people that I meet, so maybe if I meet people that I know ahead of time share some of my interests, we'll hit it off. Who knows, right? I can't keep sitting around lonely and bored waiting for things to happen.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Blogging vs. Vlogging
I wish I had more interesting things to rant on and on about because with the reintroduction of my webcam into my internet life, I would love to vlog. But, sadly, very few people read my blog, so the need for a vlog would be pretty much for my own sake. And that leads me to the conclusion that I must be ridiculously vain to want to make vlogs just to watch them myself.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Three In One Day
Today I took my daughter shopping. We went to have some lunch first, and as we left the resteraunt in Dundee, we drove past the 23 on and off ramps. There was a man at the end of the off ramp holding a sign, which I assume said something about needing money for food, or his desire to work for food. I have seen someone standing there before in the last few months. I have also seen a girl on the other side of town in front of the grocery store with a sign saying she's pregnant and needs money for food and rent. I didn't pay much attention to the man at the off ramp and headed toward Monroe to do the shopping.
A few minutes later we were in Monroe at a stop light and there was the girl with the pregnant sign that I saw a few weeks ago in Dundee. I have seen a man before standing in front of the resteraunt she was at today. My daughter saw her and asked what the sign said. I took a deep breath and told her it says she's pregnant, then clarified that she was familiar with what that meant. She told me that meant the girl is going to have a baby. I said yes. Then I read the rest of the sign about needing money for food and rent. I asked her if she thought it was a good idea to get pregnant if you don't have enough money for food and other things the baby will need. She said no. Okay, my five year old is already smarter than the girl with the sign. Then I asked her if she thought it was a good idea to give the girl money. She wasn't sure how to answer. I said what if we did give her money and she didn't really spend it on food, what if she wasted it? How would we know? My daughter agreed. We then spent a few minutes discussing the importance of working for what you have and being responsible enough to know when to have a baby and when not to.
When we were done shopping and driving out of the parking lot, there was yet a third sign holder, this one was a man with a "will work 4 food" sign. As we waited at the light near the man I told her what the sign said. I asked if she thought it would be a good idea to give him money. She said no, we don't know what he would do with it, he might waste it. This may seem like a bad thing to teach a kid, it may seem like I'm teaching her not to be charitable. But on the contrary, I want to teach her not to be gullible. And I can't help but have the sneaking suspicion that the three sign holders might just be working together. Maybe if I watched one of them long enough I would see them walk to the nearest parking lot and get into a vehicle nicer than mine and drive off and pick up the other two.
A few minutes later we were in Monroe at a stop light and there was the girl with the pregnant sign that I saw a few weeks ago in Dundee. I have seen a man before standing in front of the resteraunt she was at today. My daughter saw her and asked what the sign said. I took a deep breath and told her it says she's pregnant, then clarified that she was familiar with what that meant. She told me that meant the girl is going to have a baby. I said yes. Then I read the rest of the sign about needing money for food and rent. I asked her if she thought it was a good idea to get pregnant if you don't have enough money for food and other things the baby will need. She said no. Okay, my five year old is already smarter than the girl with the sign. Then I asked her if she thought it was a good idea to give the girl money. She wasn't sure how to answer. I said what if we did give her money and she didn't really spend it on food, what if she wasted it? How would we know? My daughter agreed. We then spent a few minutes discussing the importance of working for what you have and being responsible enough to know when to have a baby and when not to.
When we were done shopping and driving out of the parking lot, there was yet a third sign holder, this one was a man with a "will work 4 food" sign. As we waited at the light near the man I told her what the sign said. I asked if she thought it would be a good idea to give him money. She said no, we don't know what he would do with it, he might waste it. This may seem like a bad thing to teach a kid, it may seem like I'm teaching her not to be charitable. But on the contrary, I want to teach her not to be gullible. And I can't help but have the sneaking suspicion that the three sign holders might just be working together. Maybe if I watched one of them long enough I would see them walk to the nearest parking lot and get into a vehicle nicer than mine and drive off and pick up the other two.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Friends: Part II
I took the meds so lets see how well this comes out of my mind and onto the screen. I want to talk a little about why I don't have more friends. I talked to my really, really good friend earlier today on the phone for an extended length of time and though we had never really talked about it before as far as I know, we both said we really don't like people. I'm not shy or scared to be around people, in groups or individually, and I'm not worried what they will think of me, and I don't think my friend is either, but I just don't care much for people. But at times when I don't have anything going on, having a spare casual friend or two wouldn't hurt. There is someone I know, I will not say how I know her in case she ever finds out I have a blog and wants to read it, but I've known her for going on a year and talk to her frequently. We have hung out a couple times. But I feel very fake when "being her friend" because I don't mean it. We have so very little in common. I have so very little in common with most people I meet. That doesn't make me better than them, it just makes me sort of a weird loner I guess. But this potential friend is pretty nice and often says she is bored on weekends. So I have to make a decision whether or not I want to move forward with a traditional friendship, which makes me feel like I'd be just using her, or not and be bored and lonely some weekends.
Friends: Part I
This is part one of a planned two-part rant. I say "planned" because chances are quite good that I will lose momentum and never get to part two. I'm beginning to feel a little under the weather and as I sit here typing this I am looking at a pair of Nyquil gelcaps out of the corner of my eye that keep calling my name. Anyway, back to the topic of friends. Last night I was talking to my friend Theresa, or maybe her name's Trisha, it might even be Tanya. I definately imagine it starting with a T. I don't actually know her name, but I call her "friend" because I see her for 10-15 approximately every other Saturday evening when I enter the video store where she works to rent a movie or two to get me through Saturday night without me having to constantly remember what a loser I must surely be. I have one really, really good friend. She lives over an hour away and I can't cut in on her family time too often or I feel bad, even though she doesn't make me feel that way. I used to have my own little family so I know when you have a child it's nice to do family time. I am dating someone, which is super awesome, but due to scheduling conflicts on the part of both of us, we only get to hang out once or twice a week. And even if there was a great deal more availability, you can't spend all your time together so soon or you might feel a little suffocated. So when I am not seeing either of those people, and my daughter is visiting the other grandparents (which lately has been every other weekend) I am forced to occupy myself. So Theresa/Trisha/Tanya is super cool to me and remembers my name and where I live and that I'm divorced and I have a 5 year old that is away some weekends. She looks at me not with the look of pity and judgement some people her age might give me (she appears to be in her 40's), but with kindness and joy. I really wish I liked people because I would totally like her. Maybe enough to even find out her real name.
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